22.1.09

An Affable Alien's Allocution: PART 2 of 3 (Far out encounters of the curd kind)

Alien
CONTINUED FROM PART 1.... counting forwards (i.e. not backwards or sidways) and without skipping any numbers, including decimals.

Last time on this blog I described how I started a conversation with aliens who crashed to earth in a spacecraft made of cheese. These aliens had evolved the ridiculous belief producing mechanisms described in Alvin Plantinga's argument.... at least that is what I thought at first. Now, my suspicions that humans, not the aliens, are actually the ones who have evolved these ridiculous mechanisms are about to be confirmed:

The aliens, who I could now clearly see, were wading up the shoreline. It jolted me when I realized how I had heard their song from so for away; their ebulliently glowing bodies must carry far greater powers than just language, telepathy I suspect fair near. At about this time the stress of the situation caused my massive ego to go berserk; it swatted aside the reification and pathetic fallacies as if they were flies, and viciously attacked my prose, giving it a horrible beating.

The leader with its great triangulated eyes, and jagged but cleanly angled body, drew forth a fiery orb, and with a shout struck dumb the stars. Scintillating light penetrated my gaping eyes and gasping mouth as it spoke in tongues unheard and unfelt. The writhing of the oriental oceans could not match the passion with which it cried, piercing the black paralyzing abyss of unreason that had reft us for ganglion eternity. The nectar of gods burst forth in deluge; they crashed over brain and being as the great vaulted empyrean had doused famished earth with hurricanes breaking summer's heat for untold eons. Yearning synapses of starved soil, black dry and burnt, burst forth in fructifying glory as rain forests of succulent iridescence. I had been thinking in black and white -till now- now I had fulfilled my destiny.

My brain had been purified in the fire that lept from the orb, and prepared me for their reason, which their leader conveyed, no longer speaking, but thinking thoughts directly through my synapses. It "spoke" in an understanding compassionate voice... that happened to reek of sarcasm:

"Your prose needs hospitalization, it is badly brused, and has started to turn purple. Forgive us, we are but silly beings, we have come to bow to the wisdom of your "propositional logic", "syllogisms", "assembly lines", and "agriculture." What brilliance hath thine creatures brought forth in this stolid cosmos, methinks it is like a weasel!"

A chattering like that of the furry rodents broke out among them. I suppose they were referring to Richard Dawkin's program which showed that evolution can easily create lines from Shakespeare, if you specifically program evolution to... easily create lines from Shakespeare. (not to poke fun at evolution, just Dawkins) Obviously our evolution had not been programed by anyone; hence, we were neither well written, nor sufficiently sarcastic.

However, I could not let the evening degenerate into jokes; I was on a mission to better humanity. "Do you good... creatures have the ability to see truth unhindered? Earlier I asked you how to solve our world's problems; if you know how to see truth unhindered, we would like to know your answer."

At this they became serious and the leader "spoke" again with the air, and prose of a stereotypical incense saturated, scratchy voiced, prune wrinkled guru who is levitating 10,000 feet above the Himalayas (and with slightly less sarcasm):
"If you want to know what water is like you should not ask the fish. However, we know of things you do not; we can see some places where your reason falls and where it stands, so we shall try and help you. To put it shortly, some problems you think are, are not, and some you think not, are; it is a problem with perception sometimes. However, what did you have in mind?"

"All of them!" I insisted.

At this they conferred for what seemed like ages amidst themselves. Then, as I was standing there paralyzed with anticipation, they as one body turned about to face me again, with a huff concluding:
"I think you should torture your readers a while longer by withholding the answers to their problems, besides it is time for tea. Does a third post sound reasonable?"
To which I responded:
"TO BE CONTINUED.................."

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