When truth is stranger than fiction, and I have to use other writers' famous quotes because I admit that I can't think of anything better

The purpose of my posts on this blog has been to elucidate the absurd, and by bringing it out in the open make it all the more absurd. However, sometimes you don't have to work to get it in the open, sometimes it is already sitting there on a laptop with two pieces of pizza next to it.

A few days ago one of my friends was a little careless before leaving my apartment. I came home and found the oven was still on at 300 something degrees, the freezer was ajar, his laptop was plugged into the outlet with bad wiring (the one I had oh so carefully labeled with a sign posted right over it) and two of my pizzas were missing. (he had cooked and eaten them with several of his friends)

Thankfully my apartment had not caught fire, in fact the only ill effects of his rampage were that I had two less pizzas and that the food I had remaining in the freezer was all thawed out. At first I was going to yell at him, however, I caught myself remembering the time he had lost his phone, a date which will live in infamy:

We were sitting there quietly when he burst in the door swearing. "Give me your fucking phone!" he says. My room mate's brother (I'll call him Joe) calmly asks "What do you need it for?". "Just fucking give it to me!" is the reply. (Finally our adult content warning is partially justified) Joe obliges and after a short dialing of numbers the room is again filled with expletives. The next coherent thing he described is what he would do to the people who stole his phone and the next coherent action he executed was to grab my room mate's battle axe and stomp out of our apartment. I ran out the door after him, thankfully he stopped and turned back at the bottom of the stairs. (maybe realizing that he wouldn't know who to axe, and that taking on the whole world might be a little much for him)

I exaggerate the factor this played in my decision to be calm when confronting him. I probably would have talked to him calmly anyway if this hadn't happened; however the virtues of not getting axed were certainly in the back of my mind. I also did not mean to sound like I was angry at him for eating my pizzas. I consider our fridge communal, (it is such a great fan of Mao that if you stabbed it's coolant pipes it would probably bleed red) but seriously I do, it is no problem.
However, the pizzas are relevant to the next part of the story, and this is why I have included them.

So next time I saw him, I calmly confronted him about his rampage and inquired about where my pizzas had gone. I asked about the pizzas not not to scold him but only to make sure a thief hadn't stolen them; since a thief that stole only pizza from an apartment would be a thief in need of psychotherapy, which I would feel very guilty for if I didn't attempt to help.

Anyways, later that same day, I came back to my apartment (I had just left for an hour or so to do some errands). I see this person sitting on my room mate's couch on his laptop, with two uneaten (as opposed to eaten) pieces of pizza next to him.
I say: "Hey, could I have the rest of your pizza?"
The response is prompt and totally serious: "If you give me a dollar"........
me: *bewildered stare*.

He continues: "Hey, nothing's free"............

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