18.3.10

Conversations With Sasquatches Inhabiting Grocery Stores




There are times, in the grocery store, where everyone thinks "I don't feel alone out here". Last week I got lost on a quest for the jalapeño mustard when suddenly I saw a large hairy object lumbering up the frozen food aisle. I immediately ran to see it up close and discovered that it was indeed a large hairy object. I decided to call it a Sasquatch. I invented the word Sasquatch. I have video evidence too, but it was very blurry, and unfortunately it was destroyed during my treacherous journey on the way out of the grocery store.

Looking back I shouldn't have been so surprised by what I saw. There were unmistakable signs beforehand. I found servings that were based on a 4000 calorie diet and advertisements in the hygiene aisle on how to attract females by making yourself extra hairy (marketing campaigns will always remain a step ahead of everything including zoology). But what surprised me more than seeing the Sasquatch was being able to talk to him, and exchange the wisdoms of our respective worlds.

The Sasquatch was very curious about all the claims made regarding white tea being better than green tea because of the higher level of anti-oxidants and he was wondering if he should move to a different grocery store to get some. I informed him that he should stop reading the blogs and pay attention only to the scientific studies, where he would learn that measurements in the lab do not equal the potency of the substance in the body, and that there hasn't been enough testing to support the popular claims about white tea. An NIH study with mice showed that green tea increased the antioxidant capacity in the plasma, lungs and heart, whereas white tea increased it only in the heart. So if you are a mouse, maybe green tea would be the better choice (but we are forgetting that I am indeed talking to a Sasquatch). He was enlightened, but he would soon take his revenge by enlightening me as well.

The Sasquatch happened to be an evolutionary biologist and he told me that his people evolved in the feminine products section of the grocery store. Sexual selection was simply too discriminatory about the feminine standard of beauty, and the rejects were left as lost and hairy big-footed wanderers on the evolutionary trail. They, however, regrouped and found like-minded mates, and have haunted the grocery store ever since, sometimes making money by posing for blurry photographs and videos, but they rarely encounter humans due to the massive number of grocery stores in the Americas.

At this point the author cannot continue recounting the tail of the great Sasquatches because he is overcome by emotion from being able to learn from and converse with such beautiful hairy creatures, but mostly from the embarrassment of composing such a long post about nothing but this silly subject.

1 comment:

DangerousNate said...

It's amazing what you see outside of Kentucky.